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(COLUMN OF THE MONTH)

HOME SWEET BENCH

 The Supreme Court recently ruled that homeless people (aka residentially challenged individuals) may vote, providing they have a permanent residence, which includes a park bench. Now you’re wondering, how can a bench have an address? And even if one was painted on, there are other considerations:

 How many homeless people can legally live on a bench? One, two, three? Can they pile one bench on top of the other, thus creating a duplex bench? Will an opened umbrella held over the bench, be considered the roof?

 A deluxe bench-house would have bathroom facilities, namely a large bush close by.

 A super deluxe bench would have the bush, a raincoat, an abandoned shopping cart for storage and two dry sticks for cooking.

 Disadvantages: Break-ins are relatively common. Pigeons poop all over bench-houses. It affords little or no privacy. 

Advantages: no need for a doorbell. Requires little painting. Has cross-ventilation. Lots of light. Needs no gas or electricity. And few, if any, bench-houses are foreclosed.

 Plaguing questions:  Can they get flood insurance?  Can they affix permanent fixtures such as vinyl siding and plumbing to their bench-house? An alarm system? Who is responsible for the landscaping? Do they sign a lease? Can they sub-let? If they come home to find someone else sitting on their bench, can he or she be considered a loiterer?

 Another thought: What if their home is not a bench? What if they live on a train? Do they change their address every stop?

 Or suppose they chose to live on a mattress? It’s softer and portable and a good place to store valuables. Would the address be 123 Sealy? For best results, it can be used in conjunction with a large cardboard box

 What if a homeless person chooses to live in a tree? It is considerably safer and the address can be carved in the bark. And for great cardiovascular exercise, he can swing from tree to tree.

           Copyright 1999, WGAE     

This page was last updated on 11/04/08.

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